When you play a steel string guitar just an hour or two a week you develop calluses on your fingertips that mean that over time you can play and play without the pain that initially sets in. But, after months of not practicing the calluses fade. Similarly when I first started working in professional kitchens I burnt myself daily and often pretty badly. Over time handling so many hot pans in and out of the oven, hundreds a day over the course of a 10 or 12 hour shift I discovered that I could take a skillet out of the oven (quickly) with virtually no damage to my hand. Last year I tried a similar move at home after 10 years out of professional kitchens and discovered that I really can’t do that anymore. Wow, that really hurt.

In life we have painful situations that occur to us, around us or to friends and family that cause similar calluses to our hearts, our emotions and inevitably our spirits. These calluses or hardenings happen and they are real. Just like working in kitchens you don’t always notice that you are getting hard until one day it begins to dawn. It is a dawning that often lacks feeling it is simply the awareness that you feel less.

What happens next is quite similar to the 5 stages of grief. These stages are not necessarily a right or wrong response, simply the way that most people respond. The first stage is denial and isolation. Denial is not accepting that something is wrong and isolation is caused by the discomfort that something may in fact be wrong.

The second stage is anger. This anger typically has three areas that it is present. First; anger towards those that you feel have wronged you. Second; anger directed internally for allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Third; general anger directed at everything from friends and family, to strangers and on bad days inanimate objects. This is a stage where even small offenses feel big and much of life feels overwhelming.

The third stage is bargaining. This can come in the form of open ended prayers “If God will do this, I will do that”. This can be one of the longest stages because we feel that we are taking steps to progress, but any progress is hampered by our own justifications.

The fourth stage is depression. The sadness of the situation finally seeps through the cracks of the calluses that have been built up. Depression has many levels but for most this is a stage that feels low, life feels to slow down. During the fourth stage rationale sometimes slips away and bitterness becomes quite prevalent.

The fifth and final stage is acceptance. This is the place where your calluses have slipped away and you suddenly feel again. Suddenly your calling begins to feel relevant again. Your emotional bandwidth expands beyond feeling angry to the place that you can be so happy you cry, and life returns to a much healthier balance. Best of all in this stage whatever sent you down the path of hardness gently slips away, the old boss, the former friend, the cheating business partner, the abusive pastor; whatever they were and whatever they did simply doesn’t matter anymore.

In Part 2 I’ll look at the sixth and seventh stages that as Christians we have access too.

Thanks for reading