How do you build a partnership? In the dictionary, partnership is defined as: the state or condition of being a partner; participation; association; joint interest. This definition is helpful because it automatically gives us an idea of the many levels partnership. One of the most fundamental examples of a partnership is marriage. Marriage is the type of partnership which carries with it very high levels of commitment – the vow “in sickness and in health to death do us part” is a promise made to do everything to ensure a long term, no way out relationship and partnership. On the other hand you can have a ‘partnership at will’ meaning a commitment to work together until either party in the partnership chooses that the partnership is no longer needed or manageable. Of course in between these two levels of partnership there are infinite options and levels of commitment which come with varying degrees of cost to ourselves and those other parties involved.

A great quote on partnership comes from Quinton Crisp who said; “It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn’t give enough”. When a partnership and or relationship operates under these terms it ceases to be a mutually beneficial agreement unless all parties involved carry the same level of commitment. And yet should that be a reason not to engage in the partnerships and relationships we invariably find ourselves moving into?

So, why are partnerships needed? In the beginning, having created Adam, God looked down on him and saw that it was not good for Adam to be alone. And so God made Eve as a companion and partner for Adam. It is telling that the first man on earth, who walked with God and on the face of it lacked for nothing, was still lonely and in need of human, personal contact. This contact would have brought comfort, encouragement and a new level of fulfillment. In the same way, a leader or pioneer, who can in the first instance feel alone, needs to build a team around him or herself and forges partnerships. This can be a challenging process. Often a leader is in a place of seniority or power – they are a Church leader or business manager. The challenge comes when promoting others and establishing them in the various roles within the team. Of course the Church is not immune to ambitious people seeking to get ahead in one way or another. The leader needs to foster relationships within the team, trusting their team members to one degree or another, knowing that that trust and all the hard work they have invested, sometimes over years and years, can sometimes turn sour as team members become disenfranchised with the order of things or want a higher degree of authority and responsibility within the partnership. That can lead to huge disappointment and confusion within a partnership where once there was harmony and unity.

So is fear of a disappointing end result a reason to steer clear of partnerships in general? My parents have often told me; “no one can keep you from your destiny but you”. If that is true, and I choose to believe that it is, than the things that set us back, and the years those set-backs appear to take from us in terms of emotional and practical complications, are extremely costly to us, but they can, if we let them, make us stronger and more able to build healthy partnerships in the future. When friendships are lost, and we see that those friends or partners were not all we hoped they would be, there is again a tremendous cost, however if we let Him, with God’s help, in the long run those desperate losses can help us grow in wisdom and understanding as we move forward. We are not to fear man, only God. We are to place all authority with Him and to follow Him as he leads. This is one area where we see the need for the modern prophetic gift. To be able to see the Father so that we can respond to what He is doing and teaching us through partnerships, whether broken or whole.

So, there are many benefits to being in a partnership. No one is gifted at everything. Many great leaders are visionaries, others are inspirers, others strategists, some will be purely relational – and the list of core areas of gifting goes on and on. The skills and qualities often found in leaders are usually essential to the partnership and team built up around the leader, however a leader is not always gifted in the other areas that are needed to bring a purpose or goal to fruition. This is why a great prophetic leader, for example, will often need a relational person on their team; someone with tremendous wisdom will need a spokesperson and so on. It seems obvious, but I believe God created us to work in partnership and union with others, despite the fact that it is can be a risky business and can sometimes seem easier to go it alone.

How does commitment work with two adults that choose to build together? What expectations that are spoken, implied or assumed should be respected? What should be treated with legality, and what should be trusted to a handshake?

This is one of the most common areas of breakdown I have witnessed within church. Particularly with leaders that are full of charisma. They get excited, more often than not they hope and intend to work with you and help you build your vision. You get excited, making major life changing choices you dive in. Only to find that this amazing man or woman that you have moved to help isn’t meeting all of your expectations.

I remember talking with a friend who had moved across an ocean to work with a particular person. They were so excited and the first week they were with them everything was great. They had a few meals with the leader, they discussed vision, and they felt empowered in every way that was possible by this leader. Then things became tricky, this leader had gone on a series of conferences, missions and then a holiday. My friend felt abandoned, dejected and was losing heart. I then asked him a few questions. First I asked where were you when they invited you to come and join them? At home, they were leading a conference at my church. Next question; how long had they been on the road doing conferences? They had been out for like around a month. Final question; so you thought that would all stop now that you there? No. But, I thought it would be different…

Expectations can be one of the most dangerous things in the church. It is unmet expectations that cause people feel disillusioned, or worse angry, bitter and resentful. What can be done? I have a friend that I once spoke to about joining him, or coming under his covering. His response was amazingly refreshing and encouraging. He said something along the lines of, ‘why don’t we be friends, same thing without the expectations’. It was a powerful moment for me and over the next few weeks opened my eyes to a lot of areas that I had taken on a bad paradigm.

Expectations are our ideas.

Yes, it is sad but true. When expectations have fallen on the rocks, been crushed by a metal recycler and then been melted down – those are instances that we have let ourselves down. I may have wanted to believe, or expected more than was possible. But, I did that. On the other hand sometimes promise are made and broken, that becomes a combination of things that can leave us feeling confused for years. Often you know who you can and should trust, but choose for one reason or another to act against discernment. So, that means those broken promises? Yes sir. They are to some degree our responsibility as well. At this point I know I have a lot of people upset with me, because I haven’t seen, heard, or experienced all they did. But, I am sad to say I probably have or have good friends who have. From manipulation to theft, to abuse of all sorts… I have seen it and you know what makes it so hard to let go of? Why we have to be mad at the leader, the church and sometimes God? We are upset at ourselves, we lose trust in ourselves, and we refuse to accept that it might to some degree be our fault.

What can we do? When hope is gone, trust is shattered. We can learn that even perceived lifelong friends and spiritual parents have left us feeling despondent. A mentor of mine once told me this is what we can do; we can grow, and thanks to the fact that we can see our responsibility, we can learn to respond. Once we accept responsibility we become response-able. I can’t tell you how frustrated I was with him as he gently repeated this irrefutable law to me one weekend. But I will always be grateful for the time that he invested in me. Without rules, expectations or domination he has always been a role model of spiritual parenthood and a mentor that everyone I know would be grateful to have. We need more healthy mentor’s and spiritual parents so that we in turn can be healthy mentors and spiritual parents.

Here are some steps to help minimize future trouble and to be more effective as a leader.

Define things best as possible. If you are going to join a group, a leader or a community, figure out what your expectations are. Then, discuss with the group and finally write it down. If more was written down and agreed upon, less would be misunderstood.

Be a little legalistic; if you are a successful, intelligent person who is leaving the business world to go and serve a church, ministry or charity get a contract. You wouldn’t take another job without a contract. Why leave your brain at the door because you are doing God’s work? If they won’t give you a contract at least you know what you are walking into. I have seen charities and churches that do not honor contracts and it is difficult to take legal action against those sorts of organizations, but as stated earlier people that will do that probably shouldn’t be your friends or colleagues in the first place.

Define accountability; who is in charge of what? What is your role? Who has the final say? These are important questions get them answered and you will be happier.

Finally have a cooling off period; anytime I am about to make a big choice I institute a cooling off period. For me that goes something like ‘I have to talk to my wife’. This is a true statement, I try to do everything in unity with my wife – but it also means that someone is hearing and praying about what I am about to do. I can get excited, and sometimes jump into things head first without checking to see if there is water in the pool. Having a cooling off period, at least 24 hours really helps.

Thanks for reading.